Who Are You, Really? Discovering Yourself in 7 Powerful Steps

Who are you? Haven't you figured that out already? Especially at your age?

I'd like to say yes. But what I have found, at least for me, is that life can be a very constantly re-inventing thing. And that's not to say it like it's a bad thing. Life is great in it's ability to allow for us to change and choose differently, to reinvent ourselves time and time again. But it also sometimes throws us weird curveballs that make us realize that we aren't who we thought we were. Then who are we?

I remember being asked that question a thousand times as a child. What do you want to be? they'd ask.

“I don't know,” I would answer. And back then, it was maybe a singer, a movie star, a horse trainer. Unfortunately, they never took me seriously. They pushed back. What do you really want to be?

And then the answers were given for me: a doctor, a lawyer, something that makes money and makes sense. So, when it came time to actually start thinking about it, for real, you can imagine I was utterly confused.

Identity was somehow thoroughly wrapped into a job. And some people around me knew what they were destined to be. But I was not one of those. I had a million different interests and remember thinking, as a child, of ALL the things I would be if only I could. I went to college for marine biology. But, clearly, I am no marine biologist. What happened?

I realized that, when I got there, marine biology was not my dream. It was an interest that I let become my dream when I had no other direction. But that's college. And I got a little lost. Then, I met a guy and he became my direction. His life was exciting, invigorating, and made me I feel part of something bigger. But it had nothing to do with me; thus I was still lost.

I had been shown that all I wanted was wrong, unreasonable. All the creative, all the off-the-wall ideas of what I thought my life might be like, was wrong. Instead, I glommed on to someone else's exciting, and then lost myself further in the thrill.

Eventually, I decided on History, pairing my skill for writing with my passion for exploration, connection, and the world. As an interpretive park ranger, I had the opportunity to connect. It was a fit, but not THE fit. I could not stomach the bureaucracy. I felt limited, and I wanted no limits. For what I wanted to do, I needed no limits. And I was slowly learning, the only limits you have are the ones that you allow to exist in your head. That is not to say that you don't have expectation and limitation within the life you have chosen. But this does not dictate who we are.

So, I left my conventional career path. I let new limits take its place, of course; voices in my head, telling me what I could and could not do, what I should do and who I should be. I should be a good wife. I should choose one thing and only that. But I wanted it all. And I felt I was meant for it all. And now I'm doing it. The point is, only YOU know what that is for you.

So, then, what do you want to be? Better yet, WHO do you want to be? Who do you feel you are? Step aside from your current life for a second...is it what you want?

You love your kids. We know that.

You may or may not love your job. Quiet that in your head for a second...

Your spouse or significant other may be integral. But un-intertwine for a moment… 

Who are YOU? Actually you? What do YOU want?

Who do you want to be?

A mom. What else? An engineer. What else? A singer. Then what? Nothing more. That's okay. Or twenty billion other things. That's okay too. In fact, that's me. I'm all over the board. But I'm done apologizing for it. Because that's me.

So what can you actually DO to find you? And then what do you do with your newfound self? 

Welp, let's have at it. 

1) SEPARATE

To begin with, separate yourself for a mini break. Seriously. Even if you love your loved ones. Sep-ar-ate. Really. Everyone needs time apart and together. If you are reading this, you are clearly trying to learn something about yourself. So do it. You deserve it. It doesn't have to be expensive or big. But time with your actual self is key. If you must do it in bits and spurts, an hour here or there, try to remove yourself from all "usual" life as much as possible. Put your phone deeply away. Don't go to your usual spots. No distractions. Please, for yourself.

2) DOODLE

Don't think of it as writing. Too daunting. Too serious. Too intimidating and locking in. But doodle away. Lined or blank paper. Draw, sketch, or write words. Answer these questions if you can:

            How do you see yourself (from the outside looking in)?

            How do you see yourself (from the inside looking out)?

            How do you think others see you?

            How do you want them to see you?

            How do YOU want to see you?      

3) BREATHE

Take a breather. Go for a walk or just sit for a few.

4) TACKLE

Then back at it.

            If you could do anything, what would it be?

            If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

            If you could be like anyone, who would you be like?

            What is stopping you from any one of these things?

            If you could choose your name, what would it be? Why? 

5) DIG

What about your life, if anything, doesn't feel right?

            What does feel right?

            (if you don't know this yet, that's okay; that's why we're doing this) 

6)  UNEARTH/DISCOVER

            Who are you?

            Who do you want to be?

            Are you living that now?

            If not, why?

            Is the reason greater than your desire to be You? 

7) LIVE

We've asked the hard questions. We've explored who you are and want to be. Now how to get there...

I make it sound easy, yes. But I know it's not. I really really really know it's not. I'm thirty-eight, and I am just now coming into my own. Been divorced once, on the verge of another. Lived all over the frickin' place, held a thousand different jobs. Some of it was searching. Some of it was getting by. Some of it was merely surviving. For some of us, all these steps are necessary on the road to true identity. My road included a tattoo, a half-shaved head, an eyebrow piercing, and even a name change. 

So, if you are struggling with self identity, something symbolic may not give you your identity, but it may help you flesh out what and who you want to be. I also use business cards, my website, other public things. I test them, try them on, then reconfigure if necessary. What feels right? I'm getting there. And so will you.

For a free downloadable PDF Finding and Being the Real You SheetSheet, go to InfiniteGumption.com